So this librarian walks into Park Ridge City Hall and says to City Mgr. Tim Schuenke, “Have I got a project for you! It’s a very expensive project that makes no sense at all, which is why I know you’ll love it.”
Schuenke tugs the brim of his Milwaukee Brewers cap down over his eyes and leans back in his chair.” Tell me about it. “
The librarian says, “Well, first a grandmother walks into the Park Ridge Library and demands every Perry Como CD ever made. When she’s told we only have four in our collection, grandma loudly complains that the Des Plaines library has at least a dozen but that she shouldn’t have to drive to Des Plaines for Perry Como CDs.”
“Then, her grandaughter’s entire play group takes over the Children’s section for a birthday party, while the kids’ mothers note how there isn’t enough room to accommodate both a game of musical chairs and the half-dozen clowns who are making life-size balloon animals for the partygoers.”
Schuenke nods. “Sounds good so far,” he says, while scribbling “On Wisconsin!” in red crayon onto the February 29 page of his dayplanner. “Please continue.”
“Next, all of the library board members – wearing black unitards and swathed in bubble-wrap – come cartwheeling into the main library meeting room, where they proceed to vote to spend $50,000 on yet another consultant’s feasibility study, this one pre-arranged to recommend such a large addition that the current building can’t structurally support it, thereby providing an excuse to recommend Plan B: An entire new library.”
“Neatly done,” says Schuenke, smiling.
The librarian smiles back at him. “No more shabby gimmicks like piling books on the floor to make it look like we don’t have enough shelf space. Besides, consultant studies are far more effective in duping the taxpayers. Fifty grand isn’t cheap, but we’re really getting a lot of bang for the taxpayers’ bucks.”
“How do you justify all the extra space,” Schuenke inquires?
The librarian pulls out a handful of drawings. “We call it ‘flex-space’ and claim that it can serve whatever purposes we want it to, and can be reconfigured to meet ever-changing 21st Century needs.”
“Good plan,” says Schuenke. “That way, they can’t pin you down on any definite space usage. But what about the money?”
“We tell ‘em $12 million for the addition that can’t be built, but only $20 million for an entire new library. And we don’t say a thing about the extra $8 million of debt service. If anybody beefs, we break out the old reliable ‘it’s for the kids.’ Nobody’s got the stones to argue against that.”
Schuenke leans forward in his chair. “I agree. But the voters crushed a new $20 million library in that referendum back in ’02. Won’t you face the same kind of resistance this time around?”
“With Frimark as mayor and a council majority in his pocket,” snorts the librarian, defiantly, “they’ll push the deal through before anybody can even get a referendum petition filed.”
“Ain’t that the truth,” Schuenke chuckles, squeezing his stuffed Bucky Badger doll lovingly. “The way Howard’s guys steamrolled those pesky residents on Executive Office Plaza and the Napleton deals was a thing of beauty. So what happens after that?”
“It gets even better. The City Council goes into a bunch of closed session meetings and agrees on sweetheart deals with some well-connected insiders for several parcels of private land, arguing that a different site for the new library will allow us to keep the old library open while the new one is being built. And then we hand out the design and construction contracts to the usual suspects, so long as they’ve kept their campaign contributions up to date.”
Schuenke pops a cube of genuine Wisconsin cheddar into his mouth. “And the City sells off the old library block for more condos and some token ground-level retail, right?”
“Exactly,” replies the librarian, trying on Schuenke’s styrofoam cheesehead.
“How does it end,” asks Schuenke, snatching the cheesehead off the librarian’s noggin?
“The typical big finish. The land speculators and developers make out like bandits, the City ends up buried in debt, Frimark moves to Florida, half of all Park Ridge residences regularly flood or lose electric power during the six or seven ‘100 year storms’ we seem to get each year, and the new library is converted into a factory outlet and fast-food court because the City can’t afford the escalating costs of operating it as a library.”
Schuenke seems perplexed by those final details. He nervously fingers a couple of Potawatomi Casino five dollar chips that he’s holding in his right hand. “So what the hell do you call this project?”
The librarian says, with a flourish, “The Library-crats!”
Editor’s Note: Yesterday’s Herald-Advocate contains an article about how the Park Ridge Public Library Board is commissioning a $50,000 feasibility study and conducting a 400-resident survey to help it determine how much space it claims it needs, and whether the current library building can be expanded – or whether a new building may be needed. (“Study to consider library’s needs for expansion,” Feb. 21) It should be noted that more Park Ridge voters (8,948) cast ballots against a new $20 million library in the 2002 citizen-initiated library referendum than voted for both Mayor Frimark and his opponent (8,114) in the 2005 mayoral election, or voted for the School District 64 tax increase (5,411) in the 2007 referendum.